A brick could be used as a substitute for my father. I hate to admit it, but I think a brick would make a better dad than that guy I call “The Guy That Never Calls Me.”


A blanket could be used as a TV screen. How? No—why? Even better—why not? Why not wrap yourself up in your favorite TV shows and let the screen warm your body and soul?


A blanket could be used to improve the quality of your trumpet playing. Wrap the blanket tightly around and in the horn section before you start blowing, and my ears will thank you.


A brick could be used as an identifier, for all those people with no real identities. I’m talking about clones, because just like bricks, each clone is exactly like the next. 


A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).


A brick could be lodged inside a home to provide comfort, stability, hope, change, and audacity. Oh gosh! Sorry about the last three—I was in my political bullshit mode again.


A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.


A brick could be used to sell pepper to people in the salt mines. So while you’re busy selling pepper to the salty and sweaty workers, I’ll be selling them bottled water.


A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a half a brick would be an accurate measure for the amount of love I have for you.


A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s merely heartburn, and you’re just as common as a brick.


A brick could be used in place of a diamond on a wedding ring. Your wife's probably going to divorce you and take the house anyway, so you might as well give her the first brick.


A brick could be used in place of a parachute, and a blanket could be used as a permanent wall of a house. In both cases, the skydiver and home dweller would ideally be a politician.


Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under.

A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being cold, don’t worry—I’ll cover you with my naked body.


A blanket could be used to sell two-legged tables to one-legged men. This very same blanket could also teach them some Latin—specifically the phrase “Caveat Emptor.”