Let us embrace each other like we have the arms of two chairs. Let us dance like our legs are those of a table. We should do dinner sometime.

If I can scoop soup at 20 MPH while riding a three-legged horse, just imagine how great of a lover I am when I’m lying perfectly still.

When pain brings you down, don't be silly, don't close your eyes and cry, you just might be in the best position to see the sun shine.

A few years ago I dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back the next day to pick it up. Unfortunately, it was stained red with love.

Today I had to cut my Silent and Still Statue Demonstration Ceremony short due to wind conditions. Tonight I’ll make love like a tornado.

Why donate to a sperm bank when you can deposit it directly in different women? When you love the world you try to seed it, like a porn farmer.

They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.

Ever been expecting guests for a dinner party & had to clear up a massive LEGO space-station before they arrived? (Who needs kids to play?!)

She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love.

I measured the length of my hand today, and just as I thought, it’s exactly as long as my other hand. I was so excited I started clapping.

I want to attend a Pampered Chef party about as much as I want to go to a used auto parts party where you can win a baby monkey as a door prize.

She got me nothing for my birthday. When I saw the empty box, I said, “Ah, you shouldn’t have!” I love a box full of emptiness.

Last Sunday it was cloudy, and I thought, Who named this day?
Then I thought, Why is there no Loveday? Naturally, It would follow Jarodday.

Love is the elephant we’re all trying to mouse down. Who am I to tell you that sex with furniture is not a “real” relationship?

Our two hands were held together by love—and adhesive. Let no man separate what God hath joined together! Is it crazy? Yes—Krazy Glue.