A blanket could be used to not only make promises, but fulfill them too. They're so soft and warm, how could they not be used in this manner?


I’ll make your heart melt like a puddle of love. Then I’ll swim across it—nude. Pricing for birthday parties does include the midgets.

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.


A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love Door open, because my ex just shit all in there.


A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping. 



A brick can be neither good nor bad. A brick just is. And it isn’t, because I just stole it from you, which is good for me, and bad for you.


A brick represents a single unit, weak and useless alone, but useful and powerful when organized and grouped with other bricks. So it is with man.


A brick could be used to help you maintain a balanced diet, by keeping your head perfectly still with the brick steady on your skull while you eat.


A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage people from opening it up.


If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.


A brick could be used to help America make money. Trust me, this is smarter than letting a central bank like the Federal Reserve make all the money.


Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.


Granddaddy Cove, it’s where all the lost hugs are. I know where the treasure is buried, and I’ll take you there for a small finder’s fee.

One brick could be used to do the work of two men, if both men are dead. In this case, a blanket could be used to cover up their decomposing corpses.