Dell had left the army and taken the discipline home with him. I’d left the theatre world and taken the whisky sodas home with me.

My favorite salad dressing is vodka. And my favorite ice cream flavor is coffee, though I prefer it melted and hot enough to burn flesh.

I love you the way ice melts in vodka—slowly, seamlessly, and invisibly. It’s a feel-good feeling whether you see it or not.

You tasted like fireAnd I miss that.So, at timesI drank a little.And at times,I drank too much.But I only drankTill it burned me enough.

Meanwhile the 3 a.m. drunks of the world would lay in their beds, trying in vain to sleep, and deserving that rest, if they could find it.

I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.

Somebody get me a bottle of booze—and a reason to quit drinking. I fell in love twice today, and I only encountered one other person.

A beer bottle on a stick, like a broom, is less for cleaning and more for distance drinking. My floor is so filthy I’ll drink twelve.

Things, since you left, have not gone well with me: they have taken me from a place where there was gin to a place where there is no gin[.]

This isn't champagne anymore. We went through the champagne a long time ago. This is serious stuff. The days of champagne are long gone.

Question for your life: If Ted Kennedy made it to heaven, do you think he’s pleased with the fact that Jesus can turn water into wine?

When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory.

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

Death: "THERE ARE BETTER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN ALCOHOL, ALBERT."Albert: "Oh, yes, sir. But alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.

People drink alcohol as a whole, but alcohol makes a hole in the heart (for bleeding) and also a hole in the shirt (packet)(for squeezing money).