I want to roast Mr. Bean, because that’d be the funniest coffee ever. I think I’d make a great roastmaster.

Coffee and Saturday go together like me and Suzy McKloozy went to prom together. We didn’t, and they don’t.

My bark has meow, and in bed I’m in the moment like instant coffee. Do you prefer cream or sugar in your orgasms?

I’m not the same person I was when I wasn’t. I’m different now, in that now I’m drinking coffee.

I laughed so hard I nearly spit out my hot tea. The strange part was the fact that I was drinking coffee at that moment.

That's something that annoys the hell out of me- I mean if somebody says the coffee's all ready and it isn't

I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.

I asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, probably because I asked her out to coffee.

I don’t need a coffee cup. That’s what hands were invented for. That’s also why I don’t need sex.

The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle of her body.

I drink coffee the way most men tie their shoes, and I’m liable to slip on a sip if I don’t follow their lead.

If your breath smells like coffee, I might try to drink our conversation. Wake me up with the words you’re speaking.

Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.

I tried to mug a wealthy man, but was unsuccessful because I was out of coffee cups. I wish I was less poor and more pour.

Make time to make love. Then, after you’ve finished making love, make some coffee while I just lie in bed and quiver.