Why does everything have to be so hard? [Eragon] wondered. Because, said Saphira, everyone wants to eat, but no one wants to be eaten.

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.

The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign.

Of course, you won't confirm or deny it, which means I'm probably right, since if I was wrong, you'd be gloating about it.

New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on ‪#‎LoversLane‬.

I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can get an exorcism.

I'm going to do something bigger and better,bigger and betterand bolder, but first,I'm going to do somethingsmaller and worse.

I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...

They put me in a holding cell with a black kid and a white kid and a Chinese kid. We're the United Nations of juvenile delinquents.

Well, Ben says you have to be married to get a girl pregnant. And me and Cindy are not married, so she couldn't get pregnant, see?

Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?

Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my manhood in your vagina'?

(Malory, unhopeful: "I don't suppose you have any tea?" Jesse: "DO YOU WANT EARL GREY OR DARJEELING?" Malory: "Oh, sweet heavens!")

A mere redrawing of borders, a change in governments, those things can never faze a Jewess with a good supply of hand wipes in her bag.

Never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their busted up shoes and haven't had any money for medication for two weeks.