I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

I'd spent five minutes looking at Twitter once and felt I'd wandered into a poker game where everyone immediately displayed their hands against the cool green of the felt.

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

--he stopped and eyed Bill Corso--"if you choose to just sit here like a bored jungle gorilla, you will have to write out this quote as many times as you can during the next hour.

Writing is a lonely pursuit. The only thing working is imagination and hands.The only difference between writing and masturbation is one is presumably intended for a mass audience.

She gave me another of those long keen looks, and I could see that she was again asking herself if her favourite nephew wasn't steeped to the tonsils in the juice of the grape.

I de­ci­ded right then and the­re to ma­ke a snic­ker­do­od­le per­fu­me to we­ar, so that one day he wo­uld sniff me li­ke that.

When the watermelons were as large as a child's head, the women boiled them, but they collapsed into a tasteless green mush that no one could eat, not the children, not the cow.

Having our old Gran in the car was like having a cranky 'Tassie Tiger' sitting in the back. You never knew when she might jump forward and bite you on the back of your neck.

As long as you're not 'gross full,'" Raj said. "That's when you're so full that it's hard to breathe because your stomach is pushing up into your lung region.

There's something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself ... I just can't remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

I do not take advice from people who are 100 percent sure. I take advice from those that believe they are as close to sure as possible, but understand they could be completely wrong.

I'm past competing in pissing contests. My jet stream is now more of a trickle. The only contest I'd win is the number of trips to the bathroom it takes to purge a 32oz soda.

I've heard that men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.