A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as necessary.


You wash the horse, and I’ll wash the horse trainer. Then we’ll wash the dishes while we gallop into the sunset like two dirty lovers.

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.


A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.


A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick. 


A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But what if that bleeding is figurative? In that case, I’d recommend a virtual Band-Aid.


A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.


A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try reading it soundlessly.


A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch. 


I have saved no one but myself and now I watch for the other universe to unravel in my skull, for the sky to become my own skin and fill with stars.

The river didn’t fall down the mountain. No, it took the escalator. I love swimming down stairs like I’m Michael Phelps in a wheelchair.

A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do. 


A brick could be used as a headstone. Or the instrument that proves “until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.


Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty.

She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should surrealism be illegal?