A blanket could be used to wipe away my tears. But it’d better be a blanket the size of America, because I’ve been crying since Andrew Jackson died.


A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don’t know how exactly, because I’m not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair.


I had a dream about you painting the scene of a house fire. The clocks were melting and Salvador Dali was riding around in a clown car muttering something about irony.

A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making pride and applause at the same time.


Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler.

A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell that Yes no now, and use a brick to help you do it.


It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time.

A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message.


A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a few more times and then sell tickets to the spectacle.


A brick could be used to better improve relations with your relatives. But if you’re going to play quarterback, you’d better be ready to play receiver.


I got arrested for driving naked. I guess I shouldn’t have put four wheels, an engine, and a steering wheel on my bathtub. I’m a do-it-yourself kind of lover.

A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner, he won’t feel so stupid and will know where to go.


A brick could be used to paint a mural of your favorite politician. It doesn’t matter how accurate it is, just so long as people can tell it’s a snake. 


A brick could be used as a substitute for the steak my mother-in-law just cooked me. And I asked for medium rare. I wonder what well done would taste and chew like.


A brick could be divided into four equal pieces and split among three friends. I’ll take the two largest pieces, or half, whichever makes me appear the most generous.