A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of the murderer, and enclose him in his room.


A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?


A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn't real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.


The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it.

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.

I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money. 


A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man.


A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.


A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to help build their future.


A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me. 


A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism. 


A blanket could be used to distribute ice cream to dyslexics. Blankets are cold and ice cream needs to be kept warm, right?


A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.