Any first-year analyst can tell you what's happening. But it takes a seasoned intelligence professional to show that nothing's happening at all.

Cause if you shoot a bullet someone dies. If you drop a bomb many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But if you say the F-word... nothing actually happens.

If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!

Roses are red, Violettes are bllue,Valentines day is consumerous crap,now don't you have ironing to do"Unlikely thing to read in a valentines day card

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without even your asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective people.

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

I wondered about my inner child. In fact, I was troubled. Did I even have an inner child, I asked myself, given that, in essence, I’d just been born?

Thing is, I am not a big fan of hovers. I firmly believe that if man was meant to fly we’d have feathers, rubber bones, or better insurance coverage.

People from different cultures have different definitions for beauty. Isn't that sad to judge others with our standards... rather than appreciate them?

Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of tingle that at first you don’t know if it’s a good tingle or a bad tingle – just a tingle.

Dorothy Parker said "Ducking for apples – change one letter and it's the story of my life."… So she dunked for apples??? I'm confused.

Childhood is either absurdly superficial or profoundly shitty. There’s no in-between. Anyone who reminisces about their happy childhood is delusional.

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.

Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.

I'm living proof there's safety in numbers. I once evaded enemy agents during Carnival in Rio by hiding inside a large papier-mâché two.