Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee's personal safe with racy calendar attached

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel. … OK, I admit it, I was.

Girls, we're fiction editors--we know how to plot, and we know how to cover our tracks. We can teach Jerry Key a lesson he'll never forget.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

Because I'm not really certain she'd make the best travel partner through a zombie-infested city, he hissed. She gets confused by Scrabble.

It's time to scrap the archaic and oppressive paradigm of 'client states.' I propose a friendlier, more sustainable concept: pet states.

Oh, I forgot to tell you the rest of it—he’s a widower now, so they can ride off together into the sunset, their wedding rings glinting.

Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?"Her advice? "Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!

Our boss announced that we’re implementing a self-managing team concept. From now on, we’ll be the team, and our boss will be the self.

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: When something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

How often are we reminded that what matters in life can't be quantified (I'm referring to the annual per capita frequency, to two decimals).

As long as espionage is less expensive than remotely controlling people’s brains, CIA will continue to remotely control people’s brains.