What is your advice to young writers?” “Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes.

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse.

One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble.

You know, Gilan, sarcasm isn't the lowest form of wit. It's not even wit at all." -Halt

Sometimes I feel so sick at the state of the world I can't even finish my second apple pie.

And here I was thinking you were a bit slow, what with so much asking and not knowing anything.

Knock him out, Paris!''Sure. Want me to spew diamonds from my ass while I’m at it?

Oh I'd be more than happy to hold, I'll just spend the time working on that brain tumor.

You don't have to make fun of it.""Actually I do," I said. "I make fun of almost everything.

Yeah, it's a kodak moment. Quick, take a picture.Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her.

An invisible wall of super condensed jelly would make a great shield to stop bullets and sarcasm.

You are a sick, sick man,” I told him.“Thank you,” Ben replied, looking modest.

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

(One character on another:)"Don't you know that I passionately dote on every chin on his face?