I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I chickened out, like a beef taco. The crunchy kind, not the soft shell.

Holding hands with your lover is special, especially when that hand is plastic, and that lover is a mannequin.

I’d drink from a hose, but I wouldn’t drink from a horse. I have other ways of showing I love you.

When she offered me a spot of tea, I said, “No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

You can think about gloves. You can think about snuvs. You can think a long time about snuvs and their gloves.

I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

I don’t recall either of you asking me, you know I’m a lady and I need to be asked and agree to it.

My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you.

I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?

I begin to feel this tension when things that doesn't worth attention are the things that attracts attention

Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).