I melted in my defeat like Victory Ice Cream. I brought along an extra spoon for you, because I’m a sharing kind of guy.

A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of the murderer, and enclose him in his room.


A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?


A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits.


A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn't real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.


To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of 0. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go.

I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.


A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to help build their future.


A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me. 


A brick could be used to locate the precise coordinates of the Masons. Just follow the bricks—and follow the money. 


A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man.


Be honest because you stole it, not because blue/green/yell a little yellow. Dandelions just don’t meow like regular lions.

A lollygagger is a person choking on a lollipop. That works perfectly, because I sell Heimlich Maneuvers in a variety of flavors.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.