Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

Stop begging the question – get a job and earn the question like everyone else.

Make requests, not demands. "Please" kill that zombie, honey, I'm out of bullets.

98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it's actually faulty storage media.

The great comics and comedians have been the ones who dared to mix comedy and tragedy

Critics claim to see no evidence of CIA’s new policy of transparency. Well duh.

Obelmäker is eating at his desk, a habit both Baumauer and Pissec find repulsive.

In summers, after 1 hour of extreme gaming you can use your laptop to iron your shirt.

No easy answers? I know plenty of answers that’ll do it on the very first date.

Without pride, man becomes a parasite – and there are already too many parasites.

A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

Guns don’t kill people. An AR-15 from the National Rifle Association told me so.

Dating someone exclusively for four months in New York is like four years in Anchorage.