I tried doing the head-bang they were doing and banged my head with the table several times before I understood that I shouldn't be doing that.

Gondolas are romantic. Forgetting the last word in the phrase “I love you” isn’t romantic. Still, I get credit for rowing, right?

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

It's okay to be absurd, ridiculous, and downright irrational at times; silliness is sweet syrup that helps us swallow the bitter pills of life.

I’m selling a rainbow in a bowl (no spoon included).
I’m calling it Love Soup, even though it’s nothing more than tap water.

I’m like a sexually active bumper sticker. Canned vagina is always so hard to open and eat. Honk if you’re a lover—and in a hurry.

Yay! I want to attend a Pampered Chef party about as much as I want to go to a used auto parts party where you can win a baby monkey as a door prize

As a balloon expands, so too does my love for you with each passing day. To know how I truly feel about you, look no further than the balloon giraffe.

A lightning bolt is sharper than an axe, because it’ll chop down a tree with one strike. My love is like that too—good for making firewood.

We haven’t spoken in forever, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t love her. That’s what being in love with a mute is all about.

I waffled over the issue like a pancake with texture similar to the bottom of a 1970s track shoe. I ran through all sides, and decided it’s love.

As a lover I aim to please, and afterwards I aim at the toilet. Sometimes I miss, but no matter what, you’ll always receive splatters of intimacy.

I drink trees, and I pee beavers. I know, you must imagine that I’m an exceptional lover. And I am! (I’m imagined, not an exceptional lover).

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we've become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

Don’t keep me in the dark—let me take off my honorary Helen Keller blindfold and let’s make love like we have no senses except nonsense.