I won’t die for my love—but I will live for her, which is much harder and more impactful.

I am the three minutes of 180 seconds, and I don’t do refills. I’m a lover, not a farmer.

Why would a comediotic guy like Buzz Aldrin worry about who said what first? He was on the %$#@!+-oon!

Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

The three of us made love like one of us was a voyeur. I was the only one using binoculars as a sex toy.

Advice about love: When the green grape turns red, it’s time to separate the socks from the mittens.

I’d lick the water out of your bathtub, just to prove I love you—and that I’m not a cat.

A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

I put the hands in handsome. Then I put my penis in those hands. That’s some good-looking lovemaking.

I eat soup with chopsticks—and straws. And I make love with the surgical precision of a sledgehammer.

Your leftover meatloaf makes me horny. Let us make love like the first squirt from a new bottle of ketchup.

I knew we were destined to be lovers from the moment she tied me up and stuffed me in the trunk of her car.

I drank my lava lamp to get the party started. Later on I made love like a volcano, while I watched TV alone.

Why go to remote parts of the world? If they’re remote, just turn them on and watch them on your couch.