Hi Maggie, it's nice to see you again,' he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.

The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.

What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows.

I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom.

Motivational Secret of the Week: There are no menial jobs. But you're welcome to check back next month.

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Now if I could just find something that doesn't kill me.

Whoa, don't assume, dude," Marco said. "My mom always said, when you assume you make an ass of u and me--

Then again, if your right hand did know what your left hand was doing, wouldn’t that be kind of creepy?

There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

I never read the whole Zen koan – I just skip to the end to find out if the monk attained enlightenment.

As a conservative, while I oppose the invasion of privacy, I fully support the privatization of that invasion.

I stand behind my words – it’s just hard to see me because they’re so much bigger than I am.

Secret 400. Those who complain that it's lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.