It’s not great when your husband thinks the only guy who can talk to you, is some other guy.

I definitely believe in the theory of penis envy. My penis feels envious pretty much all the time.

When you're still typing 'whilst,' someone else has already finished typing 'while.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

Back in the day, before he was president, you just know James Madison's homies called him JMad.

You and I are saying the same thing, you're just adding an extra 'not' at the beginning.

He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.

Plaudite, amici, comedia finita est.(Applaud, my friends, the comedy is over.)[Said on his deathbed]

Dorothy Parker said "Ducking for apples – change one letter and it's the story of my life.

Those who are ignorant of science fiction movie tropes are condemned to play imperial stormtroopers.

Being diagnosed with spatial orientation phenomenon can turn a person’s whole world upside up.

The wisdom of coming in out of the rain is entirely a function of what's waiting for you inside.

No agnostic ever burned anyone at the stake. That wouldn’t be nearly slow and painful enough.

A kitten is the delight of a household. All day long a comedy is played out by an incomparable actor.