If the CIA isn’t a force for truth, what is it good for? (Truth, I mean, not the CIA.)

I don't subscribe to conspiracy theories unless they include the swimsuit issue for free.

Only men with intelligence, confidence and absolutely no empathy at all can progress upstairs.

Intelligence Community Spring Fashion Dis of the Week: 'Suicide vest' is a redundancy.

MmmmmmI like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it

Build mutual friendships. Just be ready to end them when your friends start trying to eat you.

Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.

Kalist likes to listen to the collective voices swell as more individuals in his colony arrive.

Indie band names would make better song titles; indie song titles would make better band names.

I want a baby of my very own one day, but it seems that my being male is a BIIIIT of a problem.

This is what my high school life had become—a horror show of epic, mind-fuck proportions.

Come the revolution, it'll probably be a good idea to stop saying 'Come the revolution.

No thunder was ever angry, nor dark cloud somber. But every drizzle is definitely embarrassed.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.