Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window

Baumauer wants a life in which he cannot be belittled, judged or controlled by worse men.

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, "Not as scary as the boogie woman.

I didn't grow up in a Norman Rockwell house... my house was more akin to Norman Lear.

Flattery will get me nowhere? That's a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.

Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

A role of the comedian is to make the audience laugh at a minimum of once every 15 seconds

Freedom from likes and dislikes, the sudden sense of identification, the spirit of comedy.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

They call it a mushroom cloud because 'cauliflower cloud' would just be too scary.

I feel small when I stand beside the ocean, next to all those fat people in bathing suits.

Whoever said "The hand that holds a book cannot hold a gun" never worked for CIA Tech Ops.

Secret 80916003. If it doesn't hurt when they snatch it, it isn't worth dangling.

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

If you cannot find an element of Humour in something, your not taking it seriously enough.