To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

A blanket could be used to mimic the mating call of my crumpled-up clone. Isn’t silence seductive?


Love is like building a wall with two bricks and a ton of wind. Obviously you and your lover are bricks.


A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead. 


I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?


We have just begun to navigate a strange region; we must expect to encounter strange adventures, strange perils.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.

A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can.


My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing.


A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you.

A brick could be used as a paperweight, for people whose writing isn’t as dense or weighty as mine.


If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace?