A blanket isn’t the solution, a blanket is the problem. I say we burn all the blankets, along with the bodies of the unbelievers.


A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works.


A brick could be hidden in the dirt, for future archaeologists to dig up and declare, “Wow! This was one advanced society.”


A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first. 


A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.


Why donate to a sperm bank when you can deposit it directly in different women? When you love the world you try to seed it, like a porn farmer.

Her love was like cigarette smoke stirred into coffee. I drank it so fast it made me cough, but she’s not offering a refill at any price.

A brick could be used to sell tickets to a new sport called Glurping. If you think it sounds disgusting now, wait until you see it live!


A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.


A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?


Today I had to cut my Silent and Still Statue Demonstration Ceremony short due to wind conditions. Tonight I’ll make love like a tornado.

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?


She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love.

What a strange thing it is to recognize a sound like the shriek of a wounded animal, when you've never heard the shriek of a wounded animal.

01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep.