A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.


A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the rouge of a brick. 


Gondolas are romantic. Forgetting the last word in the phrase “I love you” isn’t romantic. Still, I get credit for rowing, right?

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But what if that bleeding is figurative? In that case, I’d recommend a virtual Band-Aid.


I’m like a sexually active bumper sticker. Canned vagina is always so hard to open and eat. Honk if you’re a lover—and in a hurry.

A blanket could be used to help me with the love and affection of Taylor Swift. If that sounds unbelievable, then try reading it soundlessly.


A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch. 


I’m selling a rainbow in a bowl (no spoon included).
I’m calling it Love Soup, even though it’s nothing more than tap water.

A brick could be used as a headstone. Or the instrument that proves “until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.


A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do. 


A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.


A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.


A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. 
Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.


A blanket can be a meditation device. If the blanket is white, and you stare at it, you can blank out your mind and find peace within yourself.