I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

Motivational Secret of the Week: Aim for the stars – even if you miss, you may hit an executive producer.

Kalist brings out his best for the clincher. “You’ve never really loved your wife, have you, Ridley?

Maybe if they had put a little more effort into it, the labor theory of value would be better appreciated today.

Never let other people bring you down let Jesus be the one who brings you down, because he knows what he is doing

I really don’t get this whole oranges thing. It’s like, does he want to eat them or go out with them?

She deliberated too much afore making decisions; he acted on instinct. He liked Oreos, she preferred pasta worms.

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

I'm lucky I'm a comedian, 'cause otherwise my life would just be a series of undocumented low points.

To actually know one's ass from a hole in the ground is to appreciate that the difference is mostly cosmetic.

I believe the examination of body image issues is important and valuable – particularly the swimsuit issue.

My wife says she would never fake an orgasm – but if I want her to, she’s willing to fake faking one.

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

Even amidst tragedy there is laughter, sometimes farce. The degree of farce depends on who is running the tragedy.

Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s day.