Rock, paper, scissors, and pretty much anything else for that matter, beats playing rock–paper–scissors.

FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week: The paper this fortune is printed on contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow? Trying your good plan tomorrow is the perfect plan today.

I refuse to be just another statistic. I'm empowering myself to be an informed, assertive, beautiful statistic!

If not for his call to priesthoodThe Bishop Fulton SheenMight have been a five-star generalOr even a famed drag queen

Here's a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on 'my grandma.' … It's her, isn't it?

I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!

Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something.

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.

It’s late and most of the clerks are at home in their beds, dreaming of swimming in pools filled with real money.

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.

Obelmäker is a deeply fearful person and terribly indecisive. Even when he makes a choice, it’s usually bad.

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.