Remember, a lot can't happen on Facebook since you last logged in as long as you're logged in to Facebook.

You know, I'm really starting to hate the insect life around here. Next time, remind me to bring a can of Off!

Remember: if everyone else gives 110% effort, and you give 120%, you're really only giving a little over 109%.

Motivational Secret of the Week: You are not a statistic. You are a datum used in the calculation of a statistic.

I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the President and the Israeli PM discussed NSA spying on Israel.

To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.

I'm standing in a slaughterhouse where the cattle are begging to become hamburgers. I have a right to be jumpy.

If by 'about' you mean 'in a circle around,' then yes, we're doing something about the problem.

We're all divorced from reality – the only question is whether you're paying alimony or receiving it.

And then split his own cranium in half. I would like to see you do that yourself Blore. It would take some practice.

Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.

Live your life as a novel with a daring, awesome main character; otherwise you’re just there for comic relief.

You want me to pin my entire operation, the entire revolution on some teenaged love story? I can't believe this.

Writing is a solitary existence, especially if you forget to chat to your friends – sorry, I meant characters.

If you got caught with your pants down. I suppose the first question to ask is, what were you doing in a fishing net