I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.


I am the ghost in the empty jar. My silence belongs in the cemetery, just like all my ex girlfriends. Long live love!

I’m invisible, and the only way to show you would be to not show you. My love can also be proven without proof.

I’d rate myself five stars, and those stars would all be fish. My review was of how well I walked on the beach.

I have a secret secret admirer. Not only is her identity a secret—but so is the fact that she admires me.


I set up a meeting with Tom Morrow and Yes Terday, and I’m afraid I’ll be both a day late and a day early.

How unbearable, for women, is the tenderness which a man can give them without love. For men, how bittersweet this is.

Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.

I single-handedly lost the clapping competition. After that nobody wanted to co-clap with me, so I got zero high-fives.

Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice.

You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk.

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.

I spent New Year’s Eve tweezing my nipple hairs. If I were any more romantic, I’d be a Nicholas Sparks novel.

She has a body for years, and I have an astronaut tan. When we make love it will be like (x + 2)(2x -1) = 0, solve for x.