Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.

Our sex smelled like love—and monetary transaction. Whatever we had, it was politics at its most honest.

If you were to ask me if I have ever loved a woman, I'd probably reply, "Two gallons of milk and a midget.

Treat me like a king and I'll treat you like a queen..........Treat me like a queen and off with your head

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.

Bah, Alzheimer’s. Grandma wouldn’t be so forgetful if she didn’t always have dick on her mind.

I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.

I don't like customer service, because I don't believe the customer should have to pay and help out too.

I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you.

Somebody should merge motorcycles and toilets. You know, for the lover in all of us, just waiting to be released.

To love someone as much as you love yourself, that is the ideal. Especially if that someone is your clone.


There's a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it'll drive you insane or to genius

It was raining, so I handed her a spoon. If God had wanted man to stay dry, He wouldn’t have invented soup.

Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months

Like the playwrights of the Absurd, Woolrich recognized that a senseless story best mirrors a senseless existence.