Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat.

When we make love, I orgasm much sooner than her. That’s because I know a shortcut on my bicycle.

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.

Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

Cervantes' text and Menard's are verbally identical; but the second is almost infinitely richer.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....

My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.

I talked to him on Christmas, and again on March 5th. Neither one of us hung up the phone that whole time.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can't get to them.

Never love anybody who treats you like you're normal...they're just the psychiatric hospital staff

A vagina is not like a car door, no matter how hard you slam it. That’s why I prefer to drive Jeeps.

I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately.