You'll never know what psychopathic heights you're capable of, just lying there on the sofa

My love is dangerous, like getting stabbed by a knife handle. I make love like a psychotic dyslexic.

You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.

If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn't try to play the piano with my nose.

My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it.


Last night I didn’t sleep for a solid eight hours. No, it melted a little. Damn global warming.

Larry Bird looks like a bird, and Johnny Vagina looks like—hey, what is that in the sky?


I used to be into ‘forbidden fruit’, but I’ve moved on to‘verboten vegetables

I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup?

I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.

I make love like 1981, one year before I was born. That explains why all your orgasms are nonexistent.

Love is a winding mountainous road. Do you have an extra unicycle and handlebar mustache I can borrow?

I am the All Three Cats of love, and if you had to choose, you’d be wise to pick the middle one.

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.

Her hair was red, like a flame. And my penis was long, like a commercial break. Hey, hold the elevator!