I have a lot of love to give, because free samples are the best way to encourage sales.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

I'm not interested in you as a person. I am, however, interested in you as a banana.

Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.

Never was a cornflake girl;Thought it was a good solution: hanging with the raisin girls.

It pours itself. My love, I mean. I hope you like a lot of gravy on your mashed potatoes!

With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.

Orafoura paid me in pajamas, and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache.

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.

If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.

I keep a fish in each pocket, and one in my left shoe, so I don’t drown in your love.

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.

I am nine fifteen feet tall. I mean nine fifteen time tall. I measure height with my watch.

I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.