I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I need to take an exfoliating bath. Prepare the kittens’ tongues.

Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.

-My son was 32 when he died.
-Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?

Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.

I eat fog for breakfast, and I shit out steamy love scenes from the 80s.

Absurdity and anti—absurdity are the two poles of creative energy.

Success breeds slackery. And I breed in the backery of the bakery.


I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculato

Pet my 3:33 pm like it’s a beard. Live it, but don’t lick it.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

I make love in my bathtub, because there’s only room for one person.

Children and dogs are the messengers of God some of us do not deserve them