Those generic avatar images for uploading a personal photo are really convenient for me, because my face looks exactly like that.

It's beginning to look like the reports of that Chinese search vessel hearing 'a ping' may have been a mistranslation.

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

Your confidence in me is heartwarming.Makes me want to return all the money I stole from the little old ladies and kick the heroin.

I love Earth Day, when once each year people of different backgrounds and faiths gather together to bury an environmentalist alive.

11% of Americans believe HTML is a sexually transmitted disease. In reality, HTML is caused by bacteria living in the lower bowel.

It may be to die for, but is it to die and be risen again as one of the undead, doomed to wander soulless through all eternity for?

From a Twitter post on why food is better than people: 'Bagels don't talk about you behind your back.' ... Since WHEN???

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.

Pictures in women's self-defense books never show women kicking other women. The idea is to leave something to the imagination.

You called the guy you’re supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don’t find that a bit nerdy?

Don’t mock my suggestions, Ridley – one day in the near future, they might just save your life.” Maxwell D. Kalist.