I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business as usual in Washington DC.

Everybody has something to offer the world. Even rapists, murderers, and politicians. Well, maybe not politicians.

I’d make a great politician. I’d make it out of pig shit, so it wouldn’t be as foul as it is now.

He was a consummate politician-- which is to say he was given to expedient speech and lacked even a vestigial spine.

For people have four shadows; four politicians have twenty shadows or hundred or more! One person with many fake faces!

Politicians are like warts on the body of society. And the only thing worse than warts are lawyers and lobbyists.


I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician

I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.

Politics is so difficult, it's generally only people who aren't quite up to the task who feel convinced they are.

There are many forms of tyrants, but there are none so terrible as those stifling their own people in the name of freedom.

Cages are good. My heart is in my rib cage, and love is in my heart. We should put more things in cages, like politicians.

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

...they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve, and if you do, you never get the results you expected.

Today many of these selfish politicians are preying on the nation itself – (belching corruption and farting discontent!)