Can you imagine life without the horror genre? There would be no monsters. Only a**holes.

It was like there was an elephant in the room. An elephant that expected us to have sex.

Y’all reporters like my quotes, don’t you. Yeah, my quotes are Shaqalicious.

If you were an animal, what would you be?" I wrote, "A bumblebee trying to fuck a marble.

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy'Albert Einstein

Lots of ways to have your steak "Well done, medium rare, rare, bloody or fetch me a club".

Hope was like frogs praying for wings so they didn't bump their asses when they hopped

There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.

When Uncle W. G. held out his hand to take my money, I dropped the dead mouse in his hand.

My son's got the I.Q. Of a robot but I don't have the dough to send him to school.

But the best part of catching Neil in the shower was, hands down, the loud, awful singing.

Seduction is the art of saying what you don't do in order to do what you don't say

I guess he believes if a lie is big enough and repeated often enough, it will be believed.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt

I was cold, hungry, and in a hole in the ground. But at least I had my elven porn, damnit!