I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Virtual Reality" A fairly plausible explanation for the abundance of Virtual People running around these days.

A balanced dieT to make you die with a tea, consists of holding two bags of cookies on each hand and a voracious hunger to consume.

You’re going to be trouble, aren’t you?”“Not if you give me everything I want.”“We’ll see.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

I doubt very much that writers ever go to therapy. I wouldn't! I imagine that I wouldn't have anything to write about after!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

You know your life is completely screwed up when you have to look up the mythological figures who talk to you in the bathroom mirror.

Wisdom of the Ages "Car Commercials" One of the last times you're ever gonna see that overpriced s-box not stuck in a traffic jam.

You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night.

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

I apply for a new job twice a week, every week. I am applying for the position of millionaire but so far my numbers haven't come up.

Why are you worrying about you-know-who?You should be worrying about u-no-poo!The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!

THIS IS A COMPLIMENT?You're incrediburgableshe saidwhich is to sayYou're a little like incrediblebut a lot more like ahamburger.

I hope I know my own unworthiness, and that I hate and despise myself and all my fellow-creatures as every practicable Christian should.