Some girls have a real sexy giggle, but whenever I laugh it always comes out somewhere between a bellow and a snort!

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

If you're committed, that just means you're in agreement your undertaking could be your ticket to the asylum.

The main difference between a lawyer and a prostitute is that a prostitute won't screw you after you're dead.

When you fall asleep after a big lunch you're really just saving up energy to work off all the calories later on.

Wisdom of the Ages: "BS" Has now replaced death, worthless IOU's and ignorance as America's number one export.

Sex with a married woman ten years his senior was stress free and fulfilling, because it couldn't lead to anything

What's more, he was going to have a full American breakfast with bacon and eggs, none of this continental bullshit.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

I'm not lazy. I'm just really gifted, only instead of being good at music or math I'm good at sleeping late.

You're going to have a watermelon come out of your flap-jack and that shit will never be the same. Never. - Madison

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands

Wisdom of the Ages: "Soylent Green" No matter how many times I see that movie, I still get a hankerin' for a Big Mac.

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on