Damn, he was good. I'd been professionally sullied without a single item of clothing removed.

If I had a nickel for all the times I've been shushed in my life? Bam! Instant millionaire!

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Eating Crow" This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

After we bring food home from the grocery store...Dogs must think we are the greatest hunters ever!

It's easy to have high morals when you'd be safe naked in the middle of San Quentin Prison.

Sent from my CrackBerry Intergalactic Kommunikator that doubles as an Illuvian Disruptor Death Ray.

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden, and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

You can't be too careful about work. It's the most dangerous habit known to medical science.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

I may not be perfect, but God knows I'm trying . . . and God knowing should count for something.

Why, oh why was I standing entranced when I should have been releasing my inner she wolf on his arse?

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

You want to grab something here, Brycin?” he asked, bending over again. Um . . . yeah. Your ass.

Forgive my asking you to use your mind. It is a thing which no novelist should expect of his reader...