I've heard that the best way to help poor people is to make sure you don't become one of them

If you wish, I shall go personally to your City and knock together the heads of Perlith and Galooney.

And little girls went to charm schools. Now you've all got degrees from the University of Sarcasm.

Hi! I'm Ethan, I shop at Ikea. I bought a $300 dining suite and it took me three days to assemble!

I get my share of mud flung my way, but the secret is to dance in the rain and the mud will wash away.

Coincidences are like unicorns.you can believe in them all you want,but that doesn't make them real

Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

When you succumb to cynicism, darkness, pessimism and sarcasm you are amplifying imbalance and negativity.

I’m not sitting back here with another dude while there are two perfectly doable females in the car.

I used to be a mddle-of-the-road kid, but now with my freaky looks I'm definately an outsider. Hooray.

Jace said that the cast of Gilligan's Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.

Right. I can tell from the bat wings and the leeches that you three are just all happy-smiles and rainbows.

I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.

Yes, we'll yell, 'Help, help us, goose girl, and bring the terrifying legion of warrior geese'.