Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

Mama said there would be days like this.She never said it would be day after day,after day!~ Unknown

‎"If you want that kind of thing, call Nick. His advice is shit, but he really likes to give it.

This must be the most embarrassing moment in my life. I am glad I am too ill to appreciate it fully.

If at first you don't succeed, try to eat a big lunch and take a nap...er wait, no... #badadvice

It saddened me that sometimes shopping was far more perilous than dealing with zombies and vampires.

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

There's a name for people with an interest in the moon," Alex said. "They're called lunatics.

Seedy wasn't a fair description for the place, because seeds imply eventual regrowth and renewal.

You are an old pig!'one of them said to the other. 'And that is worse than being a young one.

BABY BOY, FASHION IS NOT FOR ADVERTISING YOUR FAVE SEX ACTS ON YOUR SHIRT. UNH-UNH, NO IT'S NOT !

And his father has the gall to think I’d seduce a kid who uses Clearasil instead of aftershave!

Did you once own ruby slippers, and did a house fall on your head? You're a daft little munchkin.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.