Well, so you don't get too cocky, I myself often complete the TV Guide crossword puzzle." He puffed out his chest. "In pen.

But if we do not dream, then I think perhaps we are misusing our heads. They are not on our shoulders only to be farms for hair.

Listen, I'd rather lie naked in a plowed field under an incontinent horse for a week than have to read that paragraph again!

(About a cookbook...)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.

For it was intelligence that was the thin line between endearing rapscallion and idiot bastard. - Éibhear the Contemptible

She wasn’t his kind of woman, and she didn’t want to fall in love with a man who would break her heart like a Dorito.

Soon the grizzly was joined by a brown bear, a sun bear, and a beaver suffering from an identity crisis of magnificent proportion

Let me introduce you. Sophie, this is Miss Eliot, from the National Childcare Agency. Miss Eliot, this is Sophie, from the ocean.

I just can't fathom why anyone would stand on a ledge when there's a respectable amount of walking space right next to it.

If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary, somewhere between 'shit' and 'syphilis'.

It was the study hour. Most of the monks were reading. A few were meditating, an activity that was suspiciously similar to dozing.

They're a little strange, but I'm pretty sure neither of them is going to try to make me uncomfortable by stripping naked.

Dear Mom,How can you hear me mumble under my breath but you can't hear me say "What?!" multiple times when you scream my name?

There comes a time in every woman's life where she will decide to eat cookie dough. It is when and how that truly defines her.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when i get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.