Allow me to remove my headphones to listen to your bullshit.

Common sense is a tool that isn't in everyone's shed.

I haven't devoured a soul in...What month is this? March?

Politicians and children have two speeds: running and asleep.

Hangin' upside down ain't good for nobody but possums.

She would thump them both, and she would apologize to neither.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

Why does getting ahead always have to involve getting up early?

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

This book is visceral like how your small intestine is visceral

Prestidigitation? You've got to be joking. No one says that.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Ski-ing" The act of visiting Polish people.

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but … what?

Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday.