It ain’t whatcha write, it’s the way atcha write it.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Friends are like bras. Close to the heart and there for support.

I didn't read the book. I burned it after the first sentence.

Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children.

If you give a writer a line, they'll take a paragraph…

Consistently sporadic and sporadically consistent. That's me.

Stop crying. You're giving archangels everywhere a bad name.

Life's a crapshoot, Sam. At least you filled the cheap seats.

I don’t think I’m crazy, but then again, define crazy.

Men did stupid things when they got romantic ideas in their heads.

I have come to see the nonsense of trying to describe fine scenery.

You are organic, aren't you? Or am I talking to a statue again?

He's so dumb he couldn't find his way out of a birth canal.

The problem with the world is that no one knows how to shit anymore!