I had always been warned that American didn't always get sarcasm

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend.

Always remember rule #6... don't take yourself so damn seriously

Every day's a negotiation and sometimes it's done with guns.

If I was made of cake I'd eat myself before somebody else could.

On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.

I like bread, and I like butter - but I like bread with butter best.

The whole world's writing novels, but nobody's reading them.

Total non-retention has kept my education from being a burden to me.

I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop digging

Horses are calmer people. They also don't throw things at cats.