Money isn't everything...but it ranks right up there with oxygen.

I haven't been wrong since 1961, when I thought I made a mistake.

Just because I'm insane doesn't mean I have to act all crazy.

We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faste

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

The word “future” and females is a dangerous combination.

Sometimes a butterfly flaps its wings and the weather turns out fine.

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.

I'd like to think...that people in pubs would talk about my poems

Tip for the day: never eat a bible when you're starving to death.