Facebook is asking,” What’s on your mind?” but I think “Who’s on your mind?” is a better question

When looking something up on Google, if its not on the first page of search results then it doesn’t exist and my journey ends there.

Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to “Unstable”.

Dear God, please give us back Michael Jackson and in exchange we’ll give you Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Bros. Sincerely, Me

Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it.

If you’re reading this, congratulations, you’re alive. If that’s not something to smile about, then I don’t know what it is.

In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That’ll teach ‘em to fuck with you.

Sorry Facebook, you keep saying you’ve changed, but it’s too late. I’m already in love with someone else & his name is twitter.

Oh, you’re popular on facebook? That’s cool. I mean, these days it’s easy to have 1,500 friends that you’ve never met before.

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

If you insist on telling me about your plans for the weekend, I suggest you do it in the bathroom, as it’s the only place I’ll give a shit.

Dont let your ears “witness” what your eyes didn’t see…& don’t let your mouth speak what your heart doesn’t feel.

I was gonna clean my room, until I got high. I was gonna get up and find the broom, but then I got high. My room is still messed up… and I know why.

There’s a huge difference between haha and hahaha. When you write more than 2 haha’s, usually means you’re actually laughing at the comment.