Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If he figures it out, he’s worth a shot.

You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.

Today is the youngest you’re ever going to be, but today is also the oldest you have ever been.

I don’t care if you think you have ‘swag’. Just pull up your pants and walk faster.

I never thought much of the courage of a lion tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people.

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If he figures it out, he’s worth a shot.

I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?

Remember guys, cleavage is like the sun, you can take a quick look, but it’s dangerous to stare.

Apparently you shouldn’t ever answer a girl’s text message with “k.” Bad idea.

If you watch Jaws backwards, its about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach.

If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”

If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand, then I suggest you cancel that subscription.

Dear Math, I liked you so much more before you and the alphabet started hooking up. Sincerely, everyone.