Dear Parents, if you don’t want me to text while driving, don’t text me when you know I am driving.

Michael Jackson = KING OF POP, Elvis Presley = KING OF ROCK, Eminem = KING OF RAP, Justin Bieber = QUEEN OF POP

Right guy, wrong time. Right time, wrong guy. New guy, old lines. Old guy, new lies. I just can’t choose.

A true friend can make you laugh until you pee, a best friend will continue laughing at you until she does too.

Beer doesn’t make you FAT it makes you LEAN…Against walls, tables, chairs, floors, and ugly people.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

If your parents call you a liar, remind them about the tooth fairy, and Santa Claus, then walk away like a boss.

Thank you for making me realize that the purpose of my middle finger is to use it when words aren’t enough.

I have to stop saying, “How stupid can you be” I think people are starting to take it as a challenge.

I’m beautifully broken, perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws. All together I am a beautiful disaster.

If you make me miss my sleep and/or woke me up in the middle of my sleep, be prepared to suffer the consequences.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

We have ALL waited behind a door to scare someone, then leaving because they’re taking too long to come out.

Ladies when you catch a guy staring at your chest, he is not looking at your boobs, he is staring into your heart.

If you spell “live” backwards it spells “evil” and people wonder why life’s a bitch!